“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”

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“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.


dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are


me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what


Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.


The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.


Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.


If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear


If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son


In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.


There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug