@divergentmama

“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”

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@novicefather

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.

@mattwhitlockPM

dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are

@daemonic3

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

@EmissaryKerry

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

@BridgetPhetasy

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug