Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
That’s no pocket rocket.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Me sliding into hell like
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.