Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
SHIT. NO. GODDAMMIT
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.