@divergentmama

“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”

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@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

@dance_blessed

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@JMFnSparks

If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”

@CheryeDavis

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.