Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Breaking news:

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”