I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?