Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

barbara was highly relatable

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I needed a laugh this morning.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning