I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it