I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Meow?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Boom, boom, ching!
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night