Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

Life cycle of cat

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.