I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
wtf is an acronym
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade