I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The Punning Dead.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁