“I’m not responsible for your happiness”
Me: good thing cause you’re doing a shitty job
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’ll be mad as hell!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*