“I’m not responsible for your happiness”
Me: good thing cause you’re doing a shitty job
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Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese