Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

uncle dave has been through hell

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners