Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel