I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My current situation
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.