Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.