I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.