I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Only Americans understand
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]