I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Who.
Did.
This?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.