I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
How to wake up a Beagle
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Free him
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.