I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
That took me a moment.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Word!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …