Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

I missed you with all my darts

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute