*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
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I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Very good! 👍😂
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.