Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…