I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Yup….perfect score!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper