Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

I love wikipedia

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!