Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

three things we don’t talk about