Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Every time my phone rings

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.