Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off