Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

True.