I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I love the National Park Service.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: