I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Showerkraut
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
