Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

I know this now 😂