Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Something Saturday.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Any refunds available?…

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster