Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq