Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum