Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Happy thanksgiving!

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’