I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.