@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

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@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

@pharmasean

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.