Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit