Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

He wanted to make sure😂

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Mhm.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice