Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.