Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.