I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Dolls on drugs
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something