Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.