Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

Dammit Chief not again

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.