Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.