I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
That’s enough internet for the day
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean