I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.