Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

This has made my week.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no