Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Do not levitate over flowers

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies