I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.