Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom