Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

#ProTip

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?