I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
you can only post this today
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Customize Your Wedding.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy