Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*