I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀