I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You deplete me
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.