I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
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The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.