Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

dam girl

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.