Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.