I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
🥴😂
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.