Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

I forgot how to panic. Help

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp