Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.