Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Another day, another…goddammit

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”