Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

My beach vacation Google searches

new career option?

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Sex so good you see dead people.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.