I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My inexpensive home security system…
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me