I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.