I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.