I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
How does someone manage that 🤨
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”