I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.