I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What