Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.