I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”