Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

choose your fighter

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home